Category Archives: Sexual Diversity Interviews

Self-Care for Sex Workers with Lola Davina

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“There is no shame in being a sexual person. Sex is what got us here; sex is how we are made. Our species needs to dance and to shimmy and to hum and to flirt and to fuck. The sexy fuels health, beauty, music, joy, creativity, inspiration, and curiosity — who’d want to live without those things? Every single person alive on this earth today is a product of the erotic.”

-Lola Davina

Lola has spent more than twenty-five years in and around the sex industry, working as a stripper, dominatrix, porn actress, and escort over a fifteen-year period. She earned her M.A. in Human Sexuality, her M.S. in Nonprofit Fundraising, and she writes a self-care and wellness column for YNOTcam.com. I am honored to have the opportunity to discuss with her some of the intricacies of staying emotionally and physically healthy while working so intimately with sexuality.

You’ve pointed out that sex work is a career centered around the experience of passion, something that many of us are told to seek. Yet, collectively we struggle with understanding and respecting sex work. What do you think contributes to this dissonance for so many people?

I love this question, because, in my opinion, it gets to the heart of the stigma in sex work. Collectively, we are taught from a very young age that sex is many things: monumental, dangerous, taboo. We learn that it should unfold in a certain way, and must only take place between certain people, and to be acceptable, love and commitment need to be part of the mix. If for some reason these rules are not followed, terrible and damaging things can happen.

Sex work queers every element of that worldview: sex becomes functional, rather than sacred. Not in service of relationship or family-building, but purely for gratification. Paid sexuality often involves non-procreative behaviors: masturbation, outercourse, talking dirty, exhibitionism, kink. Sex workers, like firewalkers, step into that forbidden space, and make it their playground. As if all of that weren’t bad enough, sex workers perform these services for money, making us the queerest of the queer. Because if there is one thing that sets sex work apart, that makes it uncanny, is that people are performing sexuality on demand.

I use the word “uncanny” specifically, because I do believe that much of the stigma that stems from sex work is the belief that paid sexuality is fake, hollow, unreal. So, there must be something wrong with you if you seek it out; there must be something even more wrong with you if you provide it. Sexuality can be so overpowering—intoxicating us, filling our minds with taboo images, causing us to do strange and unfamiliar things. Someone who can conjure those forces, and yet not get swept up by them must seem a little spooky, a little unsettling.

I don’t have research to back this up, but I do believe that unease, that dis-taste is spontaneous and genuine, a kneejerk reaction that many outside the sex industry experience looking in. The antidote, much like any other phobia, is gradual familiarization and normalization, easing into an understanding that sex workers need not be depraved or sex-crazed or altogether dead inside. They can experience a wide spectrum of physical and emotional pleasure from their work, along with negative experiences, within a manageable range. Simply contemplating the possibility that sex work might not be the right choice for oneself, but can be a viable profession for someone else is a step in the right direction.

I see great overlap between the self-care approaches you recommend for sex workers, and healthy self-care for anyone. Are there very many differences that you see?

I can’t speak to any kind of universal experience of performing sex work, but I can say that what I felt, and many other sex workers tell me about, is that sex work is a heightened experience. It’s taboo-smashing, it’s transgressive, often exciting, even exhilarating. But it can also be terrifying, demeaning, disorienting. We face rejection at every turn. Additionally, when you turn people on for a living, emotional shit is bound to come up, both for you and your clients. As I never get tired of saying, sex work is serious emotional labor, and self-care is essential.

Certainly, self-care is important for non-sex workers as well, and I would like to see more awareness about the emotions that sex can stir up. The Latin phrase “Omne animal post coitum triste” springs to mind: “All animals are sad after sex.” All kinds of reactions can surface during and after, including loneliness, an aching need for connection or affirmation or devotion or for never-ending communion, a desire to feel desirable, to feel safe or thrillingly endangered, to cross forbidden lines. We don’t do a very good job of conceptualizing sexual aftercare in our culture. Basically, our toolkit consists of: have sex with a romantically appropriate partner, make sure everyone is satisfied (somehow—this part might be a little fuzzy), and anything you feel after the fact is going to be awesome! Perhaps my sarcastic tone makes it clear that I don’t believe that is always the case

My advice throughout “Thriving” is simple: we have to feel what we feel. Listen to what those emotions are telling us, no matter how unpleasant or overpowering they may be in the moment. Honing those skills—to be present and honest, to know deep down in our guts that we can endure temporary emotional pain and let it pass through us—this is big magic, once we’ve been at it awhile. It gives us the resiliency and compassion needed to meet others where they are at, which is a powerful gift to the world, for sex workers and non-sex workers alike.

Are there any mistakes you believe you’ve made as a sex worker?

I had to laugh when I read this question, because if I have one regret in writing “Thriving in Sex Work,” it’s that I didn’t come clean that the entire book serves as a litany of my mistakes as a sex worker. Turn to any page, and whatever advice I offer, there’s a backstory of a time—or many, many times—when I screwed up. By this I mean letting myself down, beating myself up, allowing myself become subsumed by anger or self-loathing or dread.

To any of my readers reading this now, here’s my confession: I didn’t write “Thriving” to brag about what a boss lady I was. I wrote it because looking back, almost every day there were ways I could have been gentler, wiser, kinder with myself. No question, I could’ve been better with money, more assertive with clients, less insecure romantically. I could have sought out professional help, rather than believing I had to do everything alone

I write in “Thriving” about how punishing failure can feel in sex work, that “only by appearing to be perfect can we combat negative stereotypes. So it may feel unsafe to admit that we’re struggling with the job, for the fear it makes us look like losers. If we have a bad call, or fall in love with a client, or feel overwhelmed, didn’t we bring it on ourselves? Vulnerability can result in a reflexive need for privacy, not wanting to put up a hard, sassy shield many of us don’t authentically feel and that can be exhausting to perform.” I believe that fear of exposure—not as a slut, but as a screw-up—is one of the main reasons sex workers remain in the closet. It can also mean that even our closest working confidants don’t feel safe to fully confide in, for fear of being judged.

In talking about that vulnerability, my message is: Coming out as sex workers, just as we need to feel safe to be visible, we need to feel safe to be vulnerable. There has to be room to acknowledge our demons, our doubts, our damage. Most of us muddle through sex work making all kinds of mistakes along the way. It should be okay to say so.

She leaves you wanting to know more, doesn’t she? I actually bombarded her with seven more questions! I encourage you to follow that interest, and find out more about Lola and the incredible work she does here.

On Asexuality with David Loret de Mola

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David is a local performance poet featured across Sacramento whose work primarily focuses on his dealings with Major Depression. He is passionate about love- not romantic love, but the idea of caritas, which he describes as a universal love built through impacting the world around us. I’m very pleased to have the opportunity to talk with him about this topic. Awareness of asexuality is finally increasing, and I believe that it’s very important to be educated on just what it means. David is here to answer some basic questions, to share his particular experience, and offer his totally awesome insight.

 

David, thank you very much for talking with me. Since the intention of my interview series is to expand understanding of the world of asexuality, it seems very fitting to start with your concept of caritas. The way you’ve spoken about it is beautiful! How is it different than agape? And how does it show up in your work?

Well thank you! The difference between the two is subtle, but important to me personally. Agape translates roughly to “to greet with affection,” whereas caritas is charity. One is a pleasant hello, the other is an active decision to make the world around you better.

Caritas is one of the major themes of my art. I’ve written and performed one-man shows and features based off that basic idea of growing yourself and the world around you. Show yourself the same love you show others.

That is just lovely. It’s no wonder you were open to this interview, and are so easy to talk to! Now, you responded to my request for asexual interviewees. When did you begin identifying this way? What was that process like?

I never really “identified” as asexual – I don’t understand people who are so eager to label themselves, and find a cheap source of an identity. I identify as David Reaume Loret de Mola – part of what makes Me who I am is that I also happen to strongly not prefer sex unless it’s with someone I have a very strong emotional connection to (which has only happened once in my life).

I have had sex with other partners (which may seem confusing to anyone reading this), but it was because I knew it’s what they wanted. For me, the satisfaction was in making them happy, and was equivalent to – for example – paying for someone’s meal.

I am not aromantic, however, so to function in a relationship with someone from the 99% of the world who isn’t asexual, sex is going to be a compromise I have to make. I realize this, and I am not at all afraid of this compromise.

For me, I’ve had Major Depression since I was a kid. But even on my up-cycles, the sexual interest just isn’t there. In a relationship, and in life in general, I am far more interested in a deep conversation where both sides reveal themselves openly and honestly. I am much more interested in the quiet moment of two hands held together in silence while the credits of a movie play.

That silence is trust – a trust in knowing your partner won’t judge you for not having anything to say.

Asexuality is such a spectrum in itself. If you’re willing, would you speak to where you land?

It really is – I always tell people it’s a completely separate thing from sexuality. It’s like a slider-scale.

I’ve met hypersexuals, and I’ve met hyposexuals. And I’ve met gay, lesbian, CIS, transgender (et. al.) who have varying levels of sexual desire.

Your orientation is where your interests lie, and then there’s the slider for how much sexuality is important to you. And there’s a proverbial slider for how much physical contact you need. And one for how much deep conversation you desire. And one for…you get the point. Sexuality is just a small slider on the soundboard of orientation.

For me, I tend to be CIS romantically. And I require an extreme emotional closeness with someone to even desire sex with them.

Oh tons of people can relate to that! And I love the image of sliders on the spectrum. You mentioned physical contact, which I think is a very important aspect of this topic, since there are many misconceptions about it. Would you speak to your own relationship to physical touch?

Touch is a form of trust – you are literally allowing someone access to a piece of who you are. And in a relationship trust is the more important part of who I am. Holding hands, resting your head on someone’s shoulder – these are close, intimate things.

When has the term asexuality been helpful? Unhelpful?

Well, seeing as how I don’t identify as anything but David Reaume Loret de Mola, it’s not a big deal. I usually bring it up on the first couple of dates, because for some people sex – and the ability to have deep, meaningful sex – is as important as anything I value in a relationship. I’m not against the idea of sex (that would just be silly – I’m literally alive because of sex; how could I hate it?), I just strongly don’t prefer it.

My reaction to finding out that asexuality was a label was to feel a moment of comfort with the fact that I’m not alone in the feeling, but beyond that, I really haven’t gotten anything or lost anything from it. The most I’ve gotten about the term are curious minds, trying to figure out what asexuality is like. And, with straight men especially, I usually explain it like this:

Me: “Do you have guy friends?”

Them: “Yeah!”

Me: “Do you want to have sex with your guy friends?”

Them: “No…”

Me: “Apply that feeling to everyone. That’s me.”

They usually get the point after that. People just need practical comparisons to their lives, sometimes, to understand things deeper.

Exactly! That’s just why I wanted to talk to you. Filling in the blanks, while your answers will be particular to you, can keep out the assumptions. So what advice might you give to your young self in terms of sexuality?

Don’t give in to peoples’ desire just to please them. It’s okay to say no to sex, and let people know you don’t want it – she won’t hate you for for being honest. If they love you, really love you, and are worth keeping around, they’ll accept you even if they don’t necessarily understand it completely.

Hell yes, beautifully said. What resources might you recommend to others who identify as asexual? What might you recommend to someone who feels closed off to or afraid of sex rather than simply disinterested in it?

Friends. I’d recommend finding friends who will understand you and not care about the fact that you don’t have sex with other people. Because it’s just sex.

For the latter folk I’d say: if you ever feel interested in a partner, or a person, don’t shove that feeling away because it feels strange or foreign. Own it. Don’t be so defined by your lack of want for sex – you might be shutting out a piece of who you are. There’s nothing wrong with a healthy sex life. If you wear abstinence as a statement, that’s one thing. But asexuality isn’t a statement – it is a state of being.

From where do you draw strength for what you do?

I draw my strength directly from the artists I work with and the community around me. We empower one another to be individuals, and not be guided by basic labels that we throw on each other.

We are so much more than the words we speak.

We absolutely are. A huge part of why I work somatically is for that very reason- words can be terribly limiting.

I find that there are too few examples of asexual folk in media. Do you have any asexual role models, fictional or otherwise?

I can’t say I do. But, then again, I haven’t needed the outlet or validation of a group of people to fulfill my life in quite some time.

The nice part about this is – if you don’t understand me? Great. I can reach out to you. I can talk and have a Real conversation with strangers about it.

I don’t need another human being to justify my status as a human being. I exist. I live. I am Me.

I love that! Moving through the need for group identity and validation can definitely be an asset! I’d still like to see more accurate representation in the media, but that’s also a battle, isn’t it? It’s both an easy and a risky way for people to learn about other and the world.

What would you like the general public to know about asexuality? Is there anything else about which you’d like to spread awareness?

Yes – asexuality is not an identity. It is not a “way of life.” It is not something you put on in the morning.
Some people love sex – I appreciate them. I just happen to really not care one way or another for it.

I think we need to stop making sex such a main-focus of our identity, because there are far too many teenage boys and girls who grow up defining themselves by the number of sexual partners they have. And all it creates are confused adults, sexual assault cases, and rapists.

My other issue is Depression. 1-in-3 to 1-in-4 of us go through it, and we never discuss it. No one talks about it. So many of us have suicidal thoughts, and we are so ashamed because we think we are the only ones who go through it.

I very much agree in terms of multi-facetedness. You will often hear me say that sexuality is a really big deal, and it’s also just not that big of a deal. Just as you’ve said, it’s only one part of us. The problems arise with the stifling of a part of ourselves. And this is hugely impactful when you’re struggling with depression. Like sexuality, there can be so much shame and fear around it, and that does not assist with healing.

One last thought- and this parallels with some thoughts I’ve shared about depression. Labels are a base for defining yourself in a world where there are so many questions (especially when you’re young and nobody has any answers to give you). It’s a starting space to build yourself from. But – and depression is a decent example of this – it can be a detriment if you never step outside of it.

I didn’t know what Depression was until I was 14. And I’d fall apart because it just felt this was life, and I was that weird kid who just was born to fall apart.

Then I found the word, and I defined myself by my Depression for a long, long time. It gave me comfort, because I knew I wasn’t alone in the challenge. But, at the same time, because I accepted it as being part of my identity, I felt it was integral to who I am and I couldn’t escape it.

Distending that, and realizing it’s just a piece of my existence and not a major determining factor in my personality and lifestyle was the best thing I could have done. Yes, the label helped, but it was pushing for myself to find who I am – beyond the label – that changed me. It’s not a perfect parallel to gender orientation, by any means, but it has overlaps.

The point is: I want to push for true individuality, outside of cheap labels.

Oh man, that is just paramount. Labels really are only as good as far they stretch. Thank goodness that you are outspoken about two of the most difficult topics on the planet! I think it’s wonderful that you are making yourself such a big part of getting the conversation going. And through art! That is an incredible way to reach people.

David directs a one-man show called “Scatterbrained,” and is about to hit the road with his art. Find out more about his work at gofundme.com/TheTour, and follow him on Twitter and Facebook. And if you’re local to Sacramento, you can sometimes catch him performing improv at ComedySportz.

 

Kink, Spirituality, and Transness

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Kegan Blake is the latest incredible human to participate in my interview series. I am so honored to have had the opportunity to interview him, as he’s someone that I’ve admired for many years. He is passionate about human rights and equality. And he loves trying to find the common ground- a place to build a truly solid foundation and develop lasting peace and understanding. With a Masters in Holistic Psychology with a Buddhist emphasis, and a deep understanding of trauma, sexuality and gender, he is a wealth of information and insight about the mind, body and soul of sexuality. Please join me in begging him to write a book!

You responded to my call for those who consider themselves sexual outsiders. How did you decide to identify that way?

I don’t think it was so much a process of deciding to identify as a sexual outsider as it was a process in recognizing the fact that my sexuality lies outside the normative experience. As a transman (female to male transsexual), there is a lot of curiosity about what is under my metaphorical fig leaf. There are a lot of assumptions on how I have sex and what roles I can, or cannot, perform in a sexual relationship. With that comes a few awkward and vulnerable conversations before a sexual encounter can occur. I don’t get to just pop down to the club and pick up strangers for a night of anonymous sex; well, I could but there are some very real safety considerations to consider before I do that other non-transgendered people don’t have to consider. For instance, there aren’t really reliable forms of safe sex for transmen who haven’t had lower surgery. Obviously, it is more complicated than that, based on how and with whom one wants to have sex. We can’t just go out to the store and pick up a pack of condoms. There are methods out there but I’ve never found them to be reliable. That places us at a much higher risk for STIs.

In what ways do you find this identification helpful? Unhelpful?

I think it’s helpful in that it opens doors to conversations that I might not be privy to if I were more “normative”. I am invited into discussions on different ways sexuality can be expressed and that is an incredible gift I get to receive. It deepens my understanding of sex and intimacy in ways that I think a lot of people don’t take the time to understand. Sex is both taboo and taken for granted in this society. Everyone just assumes that it is supposed to go a certain way and so people don’t really talk about it, even with their partners. I think that leads to a lot of hurt and misunderstanding in relationships. After consciously acknowledging myself as an outsider, I started to explore the sexual landscape and have found that I enjoy bondage, domination, edging, flogging, electrical stimulation, knife play, exhibitionism, multiple partners, and some other things. For some of these activities I only enjoy being the top, for others I switch roles depending on mood and partner(s).

Being a sexual outsider is unhelpful in that sometimes I get frustrated and angry that I don’t have the luxury of taking my sexuality for granted. That may sound weird to some people but there is some privilege in not having to talk about details of sex before the act or in being able to just dash over to the store to ensure your sexual safety. I’m not naturally monogamous and there are sexual situations I would like to explore which aren’t safe for me and that’s difficult to swallow sometimes. I suppose though, everyone has aspects of their sexuality that they feel frustrated with or that seem off limits to exploration whether they be self enforced repression or actual physical limitation. It is helpful to recognize that, even in my frustration, I am not alone.

I have friends who have non monogamous relationships who enjoy multiple partners and occasionally have random anonymous sexual encounters. If I were cis-gendered (according to The Oxford Dictionary: a person whose self-identity conforms with the gender that corresponds to their biological sex.), I would be able to participate in those activities more freely. Since, I am super conscientious about my health and safety and that of my partner(s) I refrain because there is no reliable protection for the configuration of my genitals and that’s frustrating.

That word “normative” is so tricky, isn’t it? It was my intention with this series to help stretch societal awareness of what constitutes healthy sexuality by bringing in folks from lesser understood parts of the spectrum. There are just so many ways to have a healthy relationship to one’s own sexuality, and I wish that children were more often taught that early on. In that regard, what advice would you give your young self in regards to sexuality?

I suppose it would be to be more open to exploration. When I was in my early adulthood I was a bit closed minded to anything other than traditional monogamous sexual relationships. That led me to serial monogamy where I would enter a relationship and break it off within a couple months because I knew from the start it wasn’t a good fit but there was sexual attraction. I think my sexual and relational experiences wouldn’t have been as painful, for anyone, if I could have opened my mind to a broader definition of relationships and sexuality.
Also, I might warn myself off of a couple dating adventures. Not that I’d listen, even to myself.

Haha. What resources might you recommend to others wanting to explore their outside-the-box sexuality?

Find a community where that kink is practiced. Sometimes, there are books and videos available for beginner education and sometimes there aren’t. Finding a community where these things are talked about and people are willing to teach beginners in a supportive and not predatory way can be invaluable. The internet is a great resource for this kind of thing. In regards to transmen, and what to expect there are websites that have pictures of genitals, FTM-centric porn, personally, I like Couch Surfers series best for that. Buck Angel is a big name FTM Porn Star but I’ve only seen one of his videos & it wasn’t for me. The point is there are a lot of ways to do some homework if people are curious about what’s under someone’s fig leaf. The only way to learn how to best please a potential lover is with that person. For very basic beginners looking for community there is are websites like FetLife, and while they’re not the best place in the world, they can lead to local groups and help people get connected to and support from the kink community. For anyone going to the internet, understand that there are predators and misinformation out there; so, use your instincts to stay safe and use the buddy system if you plan on meeting someone in real life.

I really appreciate your cautions, and your emphasis on community and connection. There are resources for just about anything, but I don’t think anything really beats the support and attunement of others.

You’ve already named several aspects of sexuality about which are educated. Are you proficient at any forms of kink?

Depends on what you mean by proficient. I wouldn’t say I’m an expert in any of the kink I practice, but my partners have always seemed to enjoy the experience we co-create. I’d have to say that bondage and knife play are the areas I am really talented in and enjoy most. The thing I’m most proficient at is after care. It’s imperative after completion of a kinky session that there is good after care, making sure that the submissive is emotionally and physically taken care of and has a safe space to process what just took place. I am really good at creating that safe space from the first conversation about a particular kink all the way through planning to processing, even days or weeks after.

Wow. The extent of your aftercare sounds incredible! I don’t think that gets talked about enough, and it’s such an important space, especially with the more intense forms of kink. Being that you’re a practitioner of psychology, I’m extra excited to ask you about what your kink meets for you.

There are a couple different things I get from kink. Foremost is intimacy and building trust. We’ve all seen those team-building programs that encourage a trust fall, where one person allows themselves to fall and trusts that the other person will catch them. Well, with bondage, domination, and knife play you have to trust each other. You also have to communicate and be really in tune with your partner. Paying attention to circulation, breathing, the person’s eyes, checking in with every new move ensuring everything you’re doing is serving your partner. A lot of people think that only the bottom is in service to the top, that couldn’t be further from the truth. The top has to be totally attuned to what is happening for the bottom and stop as soon as anything seems off. Learning someone’s body like that is intensely intimate.
The other thing I get from my kink is total surrender. In the rest of my life I tend to be in my head a lot, staying in control of myself and maneuvering situations to my best advantage. My mind is constantly taking in information and trying to fit it into a larger puzzle. So, when I’m bound or blindfolded, or both, I totally relax and give over all control. The only thing I can do is Be Perfectly in that moment. Sensing and Feeling everything that is happening. I can carry those moments into my daily life to help me remember how to be mindful and stay in this moment. It is amazing and spiritually rewarding.

That is such a beautiful description. The need to stay tuned in to your partner(s) really is essential with kinky play, and I love that you called it intensely intimate. And I love the metaphor of the trust fall! I will definitely be using that. What tips do you have particular to bondage or knife play?

Don’t be afraid to use theatrics. I have a special blade I use for knife play and it makes a really great sound when I pull it from the scabbard. If my partner is blindfolded I’ll bring the knife close to my partner’s ear and draw it so they can feel the zing and scraping of the metal on metal in their bodies. Then, I’ll lay the blade on their chest so they can feel its weight and the coldness of the metal on their skin. Also, use bait and switch. I don’t feel comfortable using my blade on genitals but I use something that simulates that feeling and my partner is none the wiser. So, they get to feel the thrill and anxiety of a sharp pointy thing on/in very sensitive areas but you know it’s perfectly safe. Engage all of the senses and it will be an amazing experience for everyone.

Do you have any fun names for things you do?

Not really a funny name for the acts themselves but my partner and I often call explorations “Science.” So, we often “sacrifice” in the name of “science” when we try a new thing.

Ah, that’s delightful! I do like to use the word “experiment” a lot in therapy, as that is so often what we’re up to: trying something out and studying it! Are there things you haven’t tried yet that you might like to get into?

Oh, for sure. I think the next thing I’ll try is Japanese style knot bondage. It is gorgeous and intricate. I’m fascinated by abduction fantasies & consensual non-consent but, I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to try it. It just seems too dark and potentially psychologically dangerous.

Oh those knots are so beautifully intricate! I definitely understand your hesitation with the consensual non-consent play. It simply is riskier to concretize it.From where do you draw strength and support for doing what you do?

I don’t know about strength, in regards to my transness, it really came down to not being able to continue living the life I had lived; something had to change or I’d die. In both things, my transness and the kink, support comes from my partner, some of my more open minded friends, and online community.

I hear that so often from my clients who are trans- that it’s essentially choosing life or death. I’m so glad that you chose to make a change, and that you have support. I look forward to a world where transitioning is more fully understood and supported, so that it’s simply a logical next step.

You’ve already shared so much awesomeness; is there anything about which you’d like to spread awareness?

I think there is a misconception that transmen don’t have “real” penises unless they get bottom surgery. That isn’t true. On Testosterone, transmen can get between about 2 – 4 inches of flaccid length. Girth also changes with Testosterone. So, when erect, transmale cock performs in the same way that a cis-gendered penis works, with the exception of sperm production and peeing through our cocks. We can pee standing up using a variety of tools, techniques or through surgically re-routing and lengthening the urethra. Maybe somewhere in the future, science will figure out how to help us produce sperm but, for now, that’s all sci-fi.

My hope is that, with education and communication, someone will innovate a way to protect transmen from STIs more reliably.Currently, the methods most often used are either cellophane or cutting a latex/vinyl glove and fitting it to our genitals. For some guys that works fine and for others not so much. In my experience, cellophane doesn’t work for penetrative sex acts; yes, some transmen can penetrate their partners with their biological cocks. And modifying a latex glove isn’t effective because the glove continues to tear and doesn’t really stay in place. It’s possible that I’m not doing it right but there isn’t really anywhere to learn how either. It’s all trial and error for each of us. There has to be a better way.

I’m really glad that you brought that up. I’m realizing that there is often very little talk or even educational resources about penises grown through the use of testosterone, and that probably perpetuates a lot of fear and myths! And there’s undoubtedly a need for more research funding for condoms. Science (the kind done in labs rather than your bedroom) has given us so much incredible technology, and frankly, a condom for transmen seems only moderately challenging.

Kegan, with your background and experience, I’m thrilled to know that you’re part of this community, and that you’re so dedicated to change. We are so lucky to have you! Thank you very much for granting me this interview. I’m so proud to count you amongst my colleagues.

Gentleman Deviant

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I was thrilled when this gent agreed to let me interview him for my sexual outsider series, because he takes swank and chivalry to a deeply fun and sexy level.  Every time I’ve seen him, he has been dressed to the nines, togged to the bricks, hittin’ on all sixes from head to ground grippers in fabulous vintage attire. I was thrilled to learn that being part of the vintage scene is completely intertwined with his kink life. What a combo! He is just the cat’s pajamas (where the pajamas are authentic vintage, and get used to tie a girl up at the end of the night).

 

 

One of the first things you told me when we began to talk about doing an interview was that you wanted to share your process of consciously choosing to expand out from “vanilla” sex. I think that the desire to do this is something a lot of people can relate to, though not everyone chooses to embrace. So how have you come to consider yourself a sexual outsider, and what was your process like?

I consider myself a sexual outsider for several reasons, the most cliché of them probably being that I like things, people, places, and acts that society generally frowns upon. Those things usually revolve around my core of kinks. I like to do things or have things done to me that make people generally uncomfortable. I am an outsider because vanilla sex is just that: plain. The more taboo the sex, the better.

I did not really have a set process, or at least nothing I immediately recognized. I guess years of realizing what my kinks are, and looking for compatible people helped. I do remember quite clearly when I decided that I was an outsider. It was about three years back. I had a good personal friend, who was an amazing slut. I really loved her as a friend, and also as an occasional sexual partner. She was younger than me by maybe three or four years, but had much more experience in the realm of “unusual sex,” partly because she was bisexual. As time went on, we became better friends and of course, occasional lovers. It was occasional because she happened to live in an adjacent state, so we would visit each other several times a year. But it was one time in October that turned me. She invited me to this event called “Fetish Ball.” College friends of hers frequent it, and invited her. Knowing my general interest in kink, she invited me. It was a single night event in a two story industrial complex that has musicians, dancers, kink demonstrations, and the best part: an uncensored after party. That night I learned how to use tools of the trade, learned about pain- both giving and taking- and the difference between good and bad pain. And I got to spank another man’s wife. In the long run I think they wanted to swing with my friend and I. What a pity I didn’t catch on to that! But what we did was secure both his wife and my friend together in stocks, bent over. He motioned to me to spank his wife, and the look in his eyes was the sincerest look of “we are all here for a good time.” Then I did it, and that was the beginning.

That sounds super hot! And I love that your first experience of this was in an informed setting. Exposure to the kink community can really aid in owning that part of yourself. So in what ways do you find this identification helpful? Unhelpful?

I actually prefer being identified as unhindered,” primarily because being unhindered is the reason I am a sexual outsider. Unhindered by social norms and expectations, that is.

That makes perfect sense. It’s about living outside the box. And that can be so hard, especially when socialization is a primary vehicle for learning about our options, yet it is far from all-inclusive. What advice might you give your young self in regards to sexuality?

I would tell myself to take the chance and chase the women I wish I did all those years ago. I had one minor (some think major) kink in high school, that I still greatly enjoy to this day, but back then it scared me to death. I have a foot fetish. High school was the first time I saw a large variety of girls wearing open-toed footwear, and the feelings it gave me were odd and confusing. I thought that girls would think I’m too weird and avoid me; that I would be judged harshly and cast out of my normal circle of friends. In hindsight that was ignorant thinking on my part. Girls dig weird guys, plus it would have set me apart from all the other hormone-enraged boys. It would have showed that I enjoy more parts of woman over the normal M.O. of tits and ass. My thoughts currently, which I wish I had then, are if you can take care of a woman’s feet, you can take care of the woman.

Well there’s my new catch phrase! So then what resources do you recommend to others wanting to explore their outside-the-box sexuality?

Actually, Facebook is a wonderful source to find kinky things. There are many burlesque shows, fetish-related events, and other sex-related events that advertise there. However, being that it’s Facebook, it can be somewhat easy for others to see what you are up to, which could be good or bad. But in general, the internet is your best friend to discover or practice kinky things. But it’s important to know what you’re in for. I was lucky to have friends who already knew how to safely go about things, so I had steps to follow in. I say start with a definite known kink, follow it and see where it leads. For me, going to Fetish Ball did that. It opened the flood gates of sexuality, pleasure and all around fun.

At what forms of kink are you proficient?

Short: Bondage, sadism (but it varies from person to person), dominance, foot play, group sex, role play, erotic massages, knife play (but no blood or actual cutting), body painting, pornography, swinging.

My favorite form of kink is something I think I came up with, because I haven’t seen it anywhere else, (but I could be wrong since I do not keep up with popular culture). It’s something I call being a Gentleman Deviant. You can attest to this, since you met me at a vintage event. I love to dress up in a suit, tie, tuxedo- all vintage only- comb my hair, shine my shoes, be as well-groomed as a man can be…and then play the devil. I will wine and dine, be sophisticated, charming, funny, a perfect gentleman, but deep inside a fire burns. I may not always act on it, but I do my best to put the feeling into any woman that I am with that I am the devil. Women can’t see it, but they can sense it. Actually, a lot of the kink I like to do is done with me all done up. It’s sophisticated torture, and it’s simply delicious. I know I’m successful when a woman, whether or not I’ve known her sexually, refers to me by the end of the night as The Devil.

Wow! You take the term “decophile” [a word that lovers of Art Deco like to use for themselves] to a whole new level! I’ve seen you out several times, and never knew the depths to which your sauciness goes. How devious! So do you know what needs your kink meets for you? Is the word “Devil” a religious reference for you?

Honestly, I am still figuring it out. For me sex is never black and white; pleasure is never black and white. I understand why I do certain things from purely a physical standpoint, but the emotional satisfaction of others is still somewhat of a mystery. I do it because I love it, and it makes me feel whole, but why? Who knows? It’s a great mystery that I intend to study for years to come.

And not being a religious person myself, it is not a religious reference. I love the mysticism behind the idea of a devil, and I try to embrace it. The Devil has both bad and good points behind him, it just depends from whose point of view he is seen.

Do you have any cool tips on your type of kink?

Just be cool and confident with it, and of course start small. Rome wasn’t built in a day, so don’t try to build the Coliseum on the first try. YouTube actually has helped me quite a bit on several of my kinks. I care more about her pleasure than my own, so researching and learning helps me do my job better.

Do you have any fun names for things you do?

I like to call it the Devil’s Work.

I love that! It really reclaims the “naughty” aspect of kink. Are there things you haven’t tried yet that you might like to get into?

I’m honestly not sure, I am some what closed minded towards being a submissive, but who knows, maybe one day. I think, with more exploration, fetish clubs and events, I can find something.

That’s fairly common, especially when you prefer to focus on the other person’s pleasure. Do you have a sense of what might be blocking you there?

It’s hard to say really. I’ve spent the majority of my life not in control of my own life, so that the thought of surrendering myself to someone is just alien. It could also be a trust issue, I guess. I’ve never opened myself up to trust my life in someone else’s hands.

I know that a lot of people can relate to that. It is incredibly vulnerable to be sure. From where do you draw strength and support for doing what you do?

My significant other, though not as open as I, is the one who truly set me free. Through her I have indulged almost all of my sickest of fantasies, and created a thousand more. She is my sexual muse. Maybe one day I can tell that story.

Well of course I’d love to hear more from you! And a sexual muse? What a poetic experience of sexuality. Your willingness to open up about your sexuality is so appreciated. And I do believe that fingers are now officially crossed to see you dressed up as the devil himself for Halloween.

Role-Playing Polyamory

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Polyamory is appealing to many and it is growing in popularity. But how can one explore this without actually opening their relationship, which can create conflict that is very difficult to overcome?

I had the honor of interviewing a couple who takes role-playing to the next level, essentially combining it with polyamorous sensibilities. Betsy and Sam’s inspiration for their frequent role play comes from people they encounter in their every day lives! So if Sam has a client to who he is attracted or Betsy finds herself turned on by one of their friends, that person is mentally brought into their sex play. Sam will pretend to be that friend, acting and speaking like him/her, so that Betsy can experience having sex with that person. *1 Then Betsy will return the favor on another occasion! How cool is that? It allows them to experience both themselves and each other in a variety of contexts and expressions.

One of the most powerful gifts of a polyamorous lifestyle is tied to the fact that different people bring out different parts of our personalities. This is something that most anyone can relate to, whether or not you have experienced having multiple partners at the same time in your life. Different friends and family members bring this sort of experience to our lives as well. Your brother might bring out your playful side where your best friend inspires your creative side, etc. The same applies to sexual partners. Think back through your partners. You had different types of sex with each of them, because they are each unique individuals. And, of course, some of the sex was the same no matter who you were with, because you are the common denominator throughout and you were bringing yourself to the table (or bed! or chair!) with each of them. So imagine being able to have that broad range of experience in your sex life right now. Anyone would want that! But polyamory is not for everyone (I realize some would argue otherwise), and opening your relationship can be a lot of work. Sam and Betsy have found a way to bring in that rich and wide breadth of experience with far fewer challenges and risks. Note: fewer challenges, not none!

In my work with clients who are interested in polyamory, one of the first things we explore is what might be keeping one person from experiencing themselves more fully with their current (or primary) partner. Sometimes this is simple: you want to try something for which you believe your partner will judge you, but when you voice it, you find out that you were wrong, and you get to go home and try it! More often, we find self-judgments or triggers in need of either removal or toleration. This part can take lots and lots of work. It can feel like so much work that one would prefer to just ignore their needs or get them met elsewhere. And sometimes that is perfectly fine. But I am a therapist and I advocate for expanding one’s abilities. I happen to believe this for a lot of things. Want some good jam? Why not try making it? Need a scarf? Knit one! Yes, it is more work. And sometimes you will end up back where you were: in need of outsourcing *2. But all the work you put in goes towards you becoming an increasingly awesome person.

Back to Sam and Betsy. Sam could wish forever that Betsy were as feisty as his client, because he loves how playful he feels with that person. Or he could (and does!) ask Betsy to try out being that feisty person. Then, Sam gets to feel more playful in their sex and Betsy gets to add a little feist to her expressions of self *3. This stuff deepens intimacy like crazy. Why? Because it takes both people making themselves pretty darn vulnerable. And it feels wonderful when you open up a part of yourself and experience someone being with you in that space. It is so worth all the work.

I have oodles of tangents on which to go off, because this is a complicated and topic. If you have questions, feedback or heated (but kind) arguments to make, please send me an email. I will surely be making future posts on this topic.

Find the interview in my next post, transcribed for your amusement, enjoyment, and inspiration.

My notes:

*1 Yes, pretending to have sex with someone is different than actually having sex with them. But we know (from science!) that conjuring up a context can be as powerful as the real one. Check out the recent empirical data stemming from research on the therapeutic benefits of theatrics.

*2 Outsourcing is a term I use for going outside one’s primary relationship to get an emotional need met, just like we do with products and services.

*3 While a large part of what makes it possible for us to express something is the context within which we find ourselves, I also believe it is necessary to expand one’s ability to express themselves the same way, regardless of their surroundings. In the case of Sam and Betsy, were they clients, I would challenge Sam to find ways to be playful even if Betsy is not being feisty. And I would challenge Betsy in the same way.