Read This Book: Trophy Wife: Sexuality, Disability, Femininity

Remember the interview I did with Leandra Vane, the Unlaced Librarian? Remember how it ended with her letting us know that she had a book coming out? We all thought, “Damn, I bet that’ll be awesome.” Well it’s even better than that.

If any parts of who you are lie dormant, they will surely stir at the sound of Vane’s writing. Her experience living with a visible disability has made her extraordinarily clear on social lenses, narratives, and that disparity between how you feel and how you are perceived.

Her stories are relatable regardless of your experience with a disability, because she speaks to the interpersonal and intrapersonal experience of self-understanding and expression. Disability itself simply becomes a symbol of that thing in each of us that we’ve been told not to show, that thing we fear expressing, that thing we struggle to integrate into our healthy sense of self.

One of my very favorite aspects of this book is the heavy somatic component. Vane has become a master of embodiment through her journey of extreme intimacy with her body, which has at times included the experience of checking out from her body. It strikes me that, as a person with unavoidable pain, she does not avoid pain in general. This is paramount to being in your body. You will experience pain as well as pleasure and neutrality. That’s not a reason to run. As Vane demonstrates with incredible clarity and humor, it is a reason to get really, really good at knowing what your body likes.

Here are just a few of my favorite verses from her about embodiment:

“I’ve been in many places and out of body has been by far the most excruciating and unbearable.”

“…my sexuality was crucial to having a whole, finished experience in my body.”

“I learned pleasure would not abandon me.”

Other vital topics that she covers include kink, passing, porn, non-monogamy, and shit.

Enjoy Leandra Vane’s super smart and sex-positive articles, book reviews, and resources on her blog.

Buy the book here.

Safewords on the Subject

BDSM is a catch-call term for bondage & discipline, dominance & submission, and sado-masochism. Essentially, it’s playing with power in the bedroom, and it can be super duper fun and hot. I rarely need to explain the acronym anymore, and I think that’s great. Kink is becoming increasingly mainstream. But because there are lots of emotions involved, it’s about way more than just technique. Here is a basic guide for adding a little BDSM play to your sexual bailiwick.

Basic Rules

Safety

Safety safety safety. Everyone involved must feel physically and emotionally safe at all times. This means that each person is genuinely interested, has given explicit and enthusiastic consent, and that at least the following rules are followed:

  • Know your partner(s). BDSM play is not something to venture into with a stranger, or even a new partner. You must have a solid amount of information about each other, and have had enough time together to fully trust one another. Vulnerability is a huge part of this world, so it’s absolutely necessary that it’s safe for you to become so.
  • Negotiate. Know what you want and don’t want, and communicate it clearly to each other. Most of this should be done beforehand, but you should also agree on how to negotiate in the moment. It can be nice to leave some room for flexibility, but tell your partner where your emotional and physical limits exist, and respect them once sexy time has begun. In-the-moment negotiation should never involve bending the rules you previously set. Communicate with each other afterwards, too. What did you enjoy? What didn’t you enjoy?
  • Bind right. If any body parts which are tied up begin to feel tingly or numb, untie them immediately. All bindings should allow for the insertion of at least two fingers in order to maintain proper circulation. Be mindful of using scarves or ties, as they create knots that are difficult to undo.
  • Establish safe words or gestures, and use them. Make them clear, avoiding words that you might like to use playfully, such as “stop it,” or “don’t.” Make them easy to remember (avoid Bill Paxton or Bill Pulman). And do not be shy about using them. It is a normal part of BDSM play, and feedback in the moment is great training for future sexy time play. Treat yourself to this amazing thread on Reddit to hear about other folks’ safewords (and jokes).
  • Prepare for the unexpected. Keep scissors, handcuff keys, etc. easily accessible in case of surprise visits from Mother Nature or your actual mother.
  • Stay attentive. Stay present and mindful of yourself and your partner at all times. Be sure that you are actively in your body and feeling sensations (always a good rule for sex!), so that you can communicate what you want and need in the moment. Heart rate, breathing, sounds, movements and muscle tension tell you a whole bunch about what’s going on for you and the person you’re pleasuring. This is especially helpful for when anything unexpected arises, but it’s also just a great way to ensure that everything is as enjoyable as possible.

Fun and Pleasure

Sex is a complex landscape. That’s why it’s beautiful and enjoyable, and it’s also why it’s necessary to be mindful of your process. Don’t lose sight of the fact that, like any sexual act, BDSM play is always meant to be fun and pleasurable.

  • Be playful. Because there is so much involved, it’s important that you stay playful and patient. If a binding comes loose, a blindfold falls off, or anything else happens that “breaks the scene,” allow yourself to take it in stride. Playfulness and flexibility is an asset to many areas in a relationship, and some of the most solid couples I’ve worked with have gotten to where they are by working directly on improving their sex life.
  • If negative emotions or sensations arise, attend to them. That can mean something as simple as shifting your position, or calling it quits on the spanking. But it can also mean using your safeword to take a break or for stopping things altogether. Be honest with yourself, and communicate honestly with your partner. BDSM sex is intense, and therefore more capable of eliciting negative stuff. It’s not at all uncommon to work with a sex-positive therapist in order to process what comes up for you sexually. Many of my clients specifically sought out therapy in order to move through negative emotions and sensations in order to have a healthy and fun sex life. And it’s completely awesome to see that kind of healing happen.
  • Remember that a little can go a long way. Our bodies are elegant systems, and can respond to very subtle changes in sensation. Even the suggestion or symbolism of certain things (like simply having rather than using a whip) is sometimes plenty.

The Simpler Things in Kinky Life

It’s no joke that BDSM play can be risky. If you’re just starting out, try one of the following activities first. For every last one of these, the same rule applies: communicate, and keep communicating.

Light Binding

A lot of people enjoy binding and/or being bound, so this can be a great place to test the waters. For binding, start with soft or flexible material, such as bondage tape or faux-fur lined handcuffs. The psychological appeal of binding is often about the feeling of vulnerability, which can take very little to elicit. For this reason, you might first try binding just your hands, or just your feet. Then incrementally add more bindings, if you want to. Remember, always allow enough room for two fingers worth of slack.

Dirty Talk

Talking dirty to each other can be very effective for evoking the desired emotions and tension. And using words is physically safe. But be sure to negotiate what you each want, as language can evoke negative emotions that will shut down the body’s pleasure responses.

Light Spanking

Spanking is another thing that a large part of the population enjoys. It’s a burst of sensation that wakes your body right up. Introduce it when it’s right for you- some people enjoy it as foreplay, others enjoy it only after they’re signicantly aroused. Most informed sex stores offer paddles, spankers and slappers of varying softness, and there’s always that perfect little slapper of a hand. Start slow, and find out where you land on the spectrum of sting, which is felt more on the skin, to thud, which is a deeper sensation felt in the muscles and bones.

Massage

This suggestion sometimes surprises people at first, but when you really reflect on massage, you realize that it involves a lot of BDSM-y sensations and emotions. The receiver of the massage is essentially submitting to the control of the giver. And massage is all about discovering what a particular body wants in order to feel pleasure. Some people enjoy light caresses on the skin, others enjoy deep fascia-rearranging massage. It takes very little to make a massage super hot and sexy, and this can be a really great way to try on the emotions and sensations of powerplay.

Contraindications

BDSM play is not for everyone. Steer clear for now if…

  • …you have unacknowledged or unprocessed trauma of any kind. See a sex-positive trauma therapist, especially before you venture into powerplay.
  • … if you are in an unstable relationship or one that involves distrust, jealousy, or manipulation.
  • … you have significant or ongoing numbness of sensation. This can be a sign of trauma, but it also just makes it difficult to play safely, as you aren’t getting enough feedback from your body.
  • … you aren’t sure about trying it, but your partner wants to. Instead, further educate yourself on the subject, and see if a genuine desire is created within you.

Resources

There are oodles of great classes, books and videos out there. Here are a few of my favorites:

Classes and Workshops

The Pleasure Chest offers weekly workshops, many of which are on different types of BDSM. Check out their calendar of upcoming events in Los Angeles. They’re free!

Just about all of the informed sex stores offer classes, and have educated staff on duty who are happy to answer questions for you. A Touch of Romance and its sisters, Good Vibrations, The Pleasure Chest, She Bop (my favorite name for a female-oriented sex store), Babeland, Jellywink, and Smitten Kitten are all excellent. Hopefully one of them is near you, but all have great websites.

Wherever you live, the whipsmart Leandra Vane can support you through her fabulous blog. She’s open to and awesome at answering your questions via her comments section, or you can shoot her an email.

Podcaster Sex Nerd Sandra is also a mobile resource. She’s an excellent sex coach and she even offers personal sex toy shopping!

Books

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

How to be Kinky: A Beginner’s Guide to BDSM by Morpheous

The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton

Ask Me Anything

I had the distinct honor of being part of the expert’s “mix and meet” at the first annual Sexual Health Expo, and it was my pleasure to offer you an AMA during this event! I received so many great questions, and it was a treat answering them for you!

Please note that while I do indeed offer therapy, this AMA is not therapy. It is intended for your education and enjoyment only.

“What do you do to get past the edge when you can’t?”
This depends largely on just where you’re getting stuck. There are three stages of the orgastic cycle that are at play here: charge, containment, and release. Orgasms are a release of built up muscular tension (charge). When enough tension is built and sustained, an orgasm is forthcoming.

So first off, factors such as fatigue or intoxication must be ruled out. Then consider if enough charge is being built. Sometimes we can become over-focused on a fantasy and get drawn too far from awareness of the body. Shifting focus to sensation can build more charge. There are also positions that are especially good for building charge, particularly ones which allow the quadriceps to be engaged. (This is why some people flex those muscles during sex.)

Sometimes the biggest challenge is allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to orgasm. You have to feel safe and comfortable enough to jump off, because it is pretty darn vulnerable to allow another person to see and hear you in that space. If you have a sense that this is what’s holding you back, there are many paths that you can take, and all involve introspection. You can practice masturbating in front of a mirror in order to get used to what you look like during orgasm. Notice what you like, and what you don’t like, and spend some time reflecting upon why for each. You should consider your partners. Do you genuinely like them? Do you feel safe with them? If you stay stuck, seek the support of a therapist.

“Do white guys do the best at cunnilingus?”
In short, no. But perhaps that’s been the case in your experience. If you’d like to say more about why you’re asking, feel free to email me or leave an anonymous comment below.

I did some research into cultural perspectives on cunnilingus, but I haven’t come up with anything substantial as of yet. I have noticed that there seem to be stronger opinions about fellatio than cunnilingus, which is interesting.

“How do you start to be comfortable with anal sex even though you cringe at the thought?”
Well, it matters a lot that you are genuinely interested in it. The sexual activities that we enjoy are ultimately no more complicated than our food preferences. There are just some things we like, and some we don’t. So make sure you’re approaching this from the standpoint that it may not be for you. That would be ok! Then consider what your blocks may be. Anal sex, probably more than any other sexual act, can be pretty tangled up in false beliefs, and you may need to process through some thoughts and feelings. That can take a lot of exploration and communication, so be patient with yourself and your partner, if you have one. Once you decide if you genuinely want to try it, seek out educational resources that will guide you through the process. The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men, The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, and The Adventurous Couples Guide to Strap-On Sex from Cleis Press are all excellent.

“What does somatic sex therapist mean? What degree did you get?”
Check out my “Home” and “About Heather” pages to learn about my background.  In some ways, specifying somatic therapy and sex therapy is redundant, because it’s all about the complete person. One’s sexuality is simply a clear way to see into their inner landscape. We are good at certain things, and we get stuck on certain things, and when you understand how the body is organized around those qualities, you will see the same enactments in all areas of a person’s life. If the realm of somatics seems a little elusive, you might like this article.

“Can you have anal sex with an exterior hemorrhoid?”
It’s possible, but this is a question that should first be answered by your doctor, so that your exact physical condition can be considered. I like this article from urologist Dr. Joe DeOrio. He addresses both what’s happening physiologically, and raises some important considerations about the question itself.

“Is oxytocin released when you touch yourself or only when someone else does?”
Oxytocin is released during and after any orgasm. Isn’t that cool? Check out Susan Kuchinskas’ book The Chemistry of Connection if you want to learn all about this amazing hormone.

“What is cunnilingus?”
In short: awesome. Cunnilingus is oral stimulation of the female genitalia. There is a wealth of excellent information about it out there, from books to instructional videos. For curated resources, take a peek at my resources page.

“What are some people so afraid of STIs? Most are very curable. Some people kill themselves with food, smoking, alcohol or skiing?”
I suspect that the answer has to do with the higher presence of shame and embarrassment when it comes to sexual considerations. Generally speaking, we are more private about our genitalia than we are about the rest of our bodies. Some of us even call them “private parts.” And injuries in particular are much more difficult to tolerate when they affect the genitalia. Even with fully curable STIs, one still has to deal with the negative impact on an especially sacred part of the body.

If you’ve been struggling with this personally, it would probably be very useful to explore how you talk to others about your STI. Effective communication is paramount. In conversations with potential sexual partners, make sure that you don’t brush off their concerns by being too relaxed. That can just heighten their fears. You will best assuage their worry through empathy and education.

Your question invites an exploration that I think is pretty important. It can be very difficult to teach children about the sacredness of sexuality without creating a culture of secrecy, which can breed shame. Privacy and secrecy are quite different.

“How many licks does it take to get to the center of a cock-pop (or cunt)?”
Well, I’ll tell you one thing. Please don’t stop at three and then bite. Unless she’s requested that you do, of course.

“What % of heterosexual women have bisexual and/or lesbian fantasies?”
This depends on the particular research experiment, of course, but if we just lump together any fantasy involving a woman had by a heterosexual woman, the average seems to land between 30 and 40%. Bisexual or homosexual fantasies are both normal and common, for persons of any gender. And they don’t always mean anything about one’s ultimate sexual orientation.

Here are a few studies that you might find interesting (you may need to hit up a grad student friend to access the full journal articles):

“Do you think that hand-written love letters are a dying art?
I most certainly do! Rather, I believe that it’s on the decline. But hand-written anything has been on the decline for some time, and I don’t think it will even actually die out. We like tactile, non-verbal, and non-digitized things far too much for this to be the case. Look at the explosion of Emogis, for instance. The more we text, the more we want and need to include images to fill in the gap left by removing all those non-verbal goodies. Language can be limiting enough without subjecting it to the generic nature of typed text. Of course, you did ask a person who choose a profession that is rooted in deeply intimate interactions!

“What do you do if you get jaw locks as you’re giving your man blowjobs?”
This depends on what’s causing the locks. A jawlock is the body’s way of saying no. So ask yourself if you’re just wearing yourself out, or if there may be a psychological cause. If you sense that psychological factors may be at play, then it’s important to take a step back from the situation and consider what you’re feeling. I encourage you to allow this process to be supported by a therapist with whom you are comfortable. If it seems to be strictly the former, there are lots of physical techniques to make fellatio easier. To start, know that you don’t have to be thrusting him into your mouth and throat over and over for the whole performance. Variety is key, and most men really enjoy this, as it can really build up a lot of charge. Use your hand to stimulate the base, or even his scrotum and perineum if that’s something he enjoys. You can also use your tongue to stimulate just the more sensitive parts of his penis without having it fully in your mouth. You can even stick your tongue out between your teeth, giving your jaw a solid rest. There are some excellent books out there, such as Violet Blue’s Ultimate Guide to Fellatio. If you’d like some in-person coaching, Sex Nerd Sandra often teaches free classes on fellatio at The Pleasure Chest.

“How do I become a sex therapist?”
Fun, you want to be a sex therapist? Lemme tell ya- it’s a wonderful career. There is both simplicity, and infinite complexity.

If you haven’t been a client of sex therapy, start there. You absolutely must know what the work is like. Then you can begin to decide just what you’d like to do in your own career. What fuels you? What population would you like to work with? For example, I have a psychotherapy practice wherein sexuality is a specialty. But there are sex therapists who deal more in education and technique than with psychological exploration. These are hugely overlapping realms, but knowing how you’d like to spend most of your time will guide you in finding the appropriate education.

You might start with checking out what AACAST, AASECT or the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (IASHS) have to offer. Talking to graduates can be a great way to see if a particular program a good fit.

“Does anal sex make a woman’s gluteus maximus larger?”
Not directly. If the positions you use are working those muscles or you tend to flex them during sex, then you may be doing some strengthening. But anal sex does not automatically engage the gluteus maximus, and this goes for individuals of any gender.

“What’s the best way to get my wife to try a vibe?”
You’re an awesome partner for asking this question! Vibrators can be the source of so much pleasure. I have known several women who never orgasmed before they used one. First of all, make sure that the two of you are on the same page. Does she want to try one? And why would you like her to? If she doesn’t want to try one, you can respectfully ask her why. The “why nots” are almost always the source of the answers to this sort of question. Make sure that you create a safe environment for her to answer. Be warm, curious and non-judgmental. She has a reason for her hesitation that makes sense to her, so join her in that before you try to pull her somewhere else. Perhaps she’s tried one and found it overstimulating or understimulating. Maybe she associates vibrators with something unpleasant, like abuse or a negative belief about masturbation. If you’re male, maybe she’s embarrassed that you’re “ahead” of her on this. Once you’ve established solid same-pagedness, then you can start your human-vibrator calibration. Informed sex stores (including those online) offer information about the typical sensations of different toys, and how/ when to use them. Check out my resources page for a list of recommended places to shop.

“I think I was sexually abused, but I don’t know. What should I do?”
Find a therapist that you click with. If this is a question that continually plagues you, you are likely to get a lot of relief from addressing and processing it with support. It will indeed require you to face some uncomfortable feelings, but it will not be like reliving them. Sexual abuse is too big to hold by yourself, and you deserve to be free from this. And remember that you are you, no matter what you discover in the process. Often what we think abuse looks or feels like is quite different from the reality of the experience. All of our experiences shape us.

“What is the procedure to prepare for anal sex?”
I’m guessing that this means that you are ready to try, and I think that’s awesome! Preparations and execution can be different depending on what type of parts you have and your particular body’s needs, but here’s the relatively universal stuff:
-Have a whole lotta lubricant. And no skimping- your body deserves clean, high-quality lube. If you’re using a toy, make sure that your lube is compatible with your toy’s material composition (silicone and silicone don’t get along, for instance). And expect to be surprised by how much you need! I’m a fan of keeping it in a container with a pump for easy access.
-Evacuate your bowels. You want that rectum free and clear to play in! Some people recommend douching, but this isn’t necessary for comfort as the rectum only contains feces just prior to a bowel movement.
-Relax, especially if you’re on the receiving end. There’s a reason we call some people “anal retentive.” The anus closes right on up when the body is tense, and sometimes just because. It’s a lot like a cat. You really can’t predict what it’s going to do. You can only attend to it as needed.
-Keep everything clean and contained. Traces of feces are often left in the rectum (even after douching), and it can cause infection or illness if transferred into any other openings.
-Communicate. And keep communicating. Anal sex should never be painful, so stay on the same page by speaking up, checking in, and trying new positions, angles and rhythms.

I recommend that you get yourself a couple of books. The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men, The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, and The Adventurous Couples Guide to Strap-On Sex from Cleis Press are all excellent.

Have super amounts of fun! It’s wonderful to expand your sexual toolbox, and I hope that you very much enjoy your first experience.

“Is female ejaculate pee? All pee? Some pee?”
Actually, the jury is still out on just what makes up female ejaculate. We do know that it’s not just urine, but urine does show up fairly regularly in studies. Female ejaculate seems to come from the Skene’s glands, which are surrounded by tissue that swells with blood during arousal. These glands drain into the urethra, so we’d expect to find some bladder fluid in the mix.

I think it’s pretty cool that this fascinates us, and that it has for such a long time. In the 16th century, Dutch physician Laevinius Lemnius referred to how a woman “draws forth the man’s seed and casts her own with it.” A little heteronormative, Lemnius, but I commend you for being interested! I assume Mrs. Laevinius Lemnius was a pretty satisfied gal.

“Does attraction mean sexual attraction, or are there different types of attractions?”
Yes, I believe that there are indeed different types of attraction, with each sharing in common the experience of being pulled to something. What you’re pulled toward or in need of defines the type of attraction.

I believe that this is a conversation that is nearly synonymous with the theories on the different types of love. There are six types of love according to ancient Greek wisdom: agape, eros, ludus, mania, pragma and storge (categorization and terms vary a bit). The Wikipedia page on these has a nice little synopsis.

Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed that there are components of love: intimacy, passion, and commitment. This triangular model gives you seven different types of love, depending on the particular combination of these elements.

I imagine that my answer may fall short of what you’re particularly interested in, so I’ll offer this: If you’re struggling with the types of attractions people have to you (as with “nice guy syndrome”), then consider your sexual archetypes and what blocks you may have to embodying them. Chelsea Wakefield’s book, Negotiating the Inner Peace Treaty, is a great resource for this exploration.

“Is it possible to have the feeling of a ‘phantom limb’ even if it was never ‘lost?’ I feel like I have, or should have had a penis & when it’s aroused it’s extremely frustrating because I am biologically female, so stimulating myself even to completion doesn’t help. It feels like a different part of me. Sometimes, mentally fantasizing helps.”
It is indeed possible. It’s a condition called a “supernumerary phantom limb.”  This is one of those things that makes the body-mind connection so very apparent. It seems that phantom limbs are caused by what is essentially a mapping issue in the brain. There have been many successful experiments in which subjects are put through exercises which “rewire” their cognition, and the phantom sensation diminishes or disappears, or the subjects were able to gain control of its action (which is probably what you’re needing). The usual course of treatment involves creating an optical illusion wherein a subject with a missing limb perceives two limbs before them. The existing limb is stimulated or the subject is asked to move it, and the illusion creates the perception of sensation in the phantom limb. Similar experiments have been done with subjects who have no missing parts! The brain is powerfully adaptable!

Since you said that mentally fantasizing is sometimes helpful, I feel a lot of hope for you that you can successfully do some re-mapping of your own. If you haven’t already, you might try getting a strap-on to wear while you masturbate, or simply while you fantasize. It could give your arousal a physical place to land, and then you can do with it what you please. The kind of strap-on that vibrates or rubs against you in a pleasant way, or a double dildo is probably what you want in order to have enough physical stimulation. If you have a male partner, you could do a little “reverse cowgirl” straddle so that his penis is visible between your legs as if it were your own, and then stimulate yourself and him at the same time. I’m betting that you’d need to repeat these experiences many times. Masturbating in a new way isn’t the worst homework ever, eh?

You might consider creating a relationship with a neurologist who will run some experiments with you. I’d be very happy to help you find someone here in Los Angeles, as well as to support you through this. Don’t hesitate to call or write. And keep me updated, if you’re comfortable doing so.

“When/where does one draw the line between reclaiming sexual freedom & expression, and when is one re-enacting trauma? Trying to figure out promiscuity!”
Great question. I believe that the answer is extremely dependent on the person, but can be pretty easily found by tuning into the body. Ultimately, your body knows what’s up. You just have to listen. Freedom and open expression are exhibited through relaxed muscles, deep breathing, a sense of groundedness, awareness of what’s happening in the moment, etc. In regards to sex, do you feel authentic most of the time? Does the sex bring a feeling of lasting satisfaction? People who are re-enacting trauma exhibit symptoms of it, such as shortness of breath, increased heart rate, chronic muscle tension, chronic nervous system hyperarousal, extreme cold, etc. It’s also common for someone who is unhealthily promiscuous to feel dettached, disgusted, disocciated, shameful, etc. directly after orgasm or the next day. Such a person is likely re-enacting negative experiences, and the healing process for them would likely be to feel safely vulnerable in deep intimacy. It’s not always easy to track what’s happening in your body in each moment; you may need and enjoy the support of a therapist. If you’d like to aid your exploration with some reading on this topic, treat yourself to The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.

“Why do women feel more connection after sex than before? And why is the connection more intense with women than men?”
Hormones, baby, hormones! Oxytocin is released in the bodies of any gendered person both during and after sex, and it’s role is to increase intimacy and bonding. (It actually does all kinds of kick ass stuff, and I highly recommend Susan Kuchinskas’ book The Chemistry of Connection if you’d like to read up on it.) But there is a slight difference between males and females. Males also release vasopressin, a hormone that differs from oxytocin by only two amino acids. Vasopressin actually activates some get-up-and-go (which is believed to be about protection, not about running away from intimacy), where oxytocin stimulates more snuggly, nesty feelings.

If you’re finding that you and your partner(s) differ in terms of what you want in your post-coital time, I suggest that you communicate your individual needs in order to find something that works for each person. It doesn’t have to be a big deal that your desires are different, but because this is such a vulnerable space, it can bring up a lot of past issues around invasion or abandonment. Be specific about what you want and why so that you can get on the same page.

“Is there any way a woman would ever notice a testicular cyst?”
Yes, I do think this is possible. Many scrotums like to be played with, so if you find yourself with a woman who takes it upon herself to stimulate yours, then she could certainly notice. But what you’re feeling about this is probably more important, and the truer aim of your question. If you haven’t already sought the help of a medical professional, do so immediately. But if you already know all the facts about what’s happening in your body and the cyst isn’t removable or you just want to know how to handle sex before its removal, then I encourage you to take steps to feel more relaxed about this. Arousal and orgasm is greatly aided by muscle relaxation, so it would go a long way for your enjoyment if you weren’t preoccupied with imminent cyst discovery. A lot of women wouldn’t be bothered by a cyst as long as it’s not bothering you. Try telling them about it before your sexy time. You can also let your partners know that you don’t enjoy having your scrotum touched, or that you don’t enjoy having certain parts of it touched. They’ll likely appreciate your openness about this.

“Why are some women nervous of blowjobs? What are they afraid of?”
It depends on the individual. There are obvious cases where a person has had a bad experience with fellatio, whether in an abusive situation or not. Some people associate it with degradation, which is unfortunately too often perpetuated by media portrayals. Others don’t care for the taste or the texture of semen, but don’t want to ask you to warn them before you ejaculate (and to those folks I say find a way to get comfortable communicating this). Others aren’t sure what to do, and don’t want to disappoint. Some people purport to simply not enjoying it. One of my question askers gets jaw locks (see my answer to those). And there are probably infinite reasons beyond that.

If you’re in a relationship with a woman who’s nervous about this, start by acknowledging her fear. Be non-judgmental, and help to make it easy for her to share what she’s experiencing. Then get a little vulnerable and tell her what you’d like about having her go down on you. In the case of a person who considers it degrading, it could go a really long way to hear how you actually see it. A lot of men feel quite vulnerable when receiving a blowjob. Your penis is in a mouth, after all! There are teeth in there! She might really like to hear that from you. But whatever her hesitation, successfully communicating to her what you would like- and making it a gentle request- is likely to go a long way.

Thank you all for being willing to ask me your intimate questions. It is my pleasure to support you. If you do not see your question listed, please shoot me an email. Two of the questions were not legible.

Gentleman Deviant

I was thrilled when this gent agreed to let me interview him for my sexual outsider series, because he takes swank and chivalry to a deeply fun and sexy level.  Every time I’ve seen him, he has been dressed to the nines, togged to the bricks, hittin’ on all sixes from head to ground grippers in fabulous vintage attire. I was thrilled to learn that being part of the vintage scene is completely intertwined with his kink life. What a combo! He is just the cat’s pajamas (where the pajamas are authentic vintage, and get used to tie a girl up at the end of the night).

 

 

One of the first things you told me when we began to talk about doing an interview was that you wanted to share your process of consciously choosing to expand out from “vanilla” sex. I think that the desire to do this is something a lot of people can relate to, though not everyone chooses to embrace. So how have you come to consider yourself a sexual outsider, and what was your process like?

I consider myself a sexual outsider for several reasons, the most cliché of them probably being that I like things, people, places, and acts that society generally frowns upon. Those things usually revolve around my core of kinks. I like to do things or have things done to me that make people generally uncomfortable. I am an outsider because vanilla sex is just that: plain. The more taboo the sex, the better.

I did not really have a set process, or at least nothing I immediately recognized. I guess years of realizing what my kinks are, and looking for compatible people helped. I do remember quite clearly when I decided that I was an outsider. It was about three years back. I had a good personal friend, who was an amazing slut. I really loved her as a friend, and also as an occasional sexual partner. She was younger than me by maybe three or four years, but had much more experience in the realm of “unusual sex,” partly because she was bisexual. As time went on, we became better friends and of course, occasional lovers. It was occasional because she happened to live in an adjacent state, so we would visit each other several times a year. But it was one time in October that turned me. She invited me to this event called “Fetish Ball.” College friends of hers frequent it, and invited her. Knowing my general interest in kink, she invited me. It was a single night event in a two story industrial complex that has musicians, dancers, kink demonstrations, and the best part: an uncensored after party. That night I learned how to use tools of the trade, learned about pain- both giving and taking- and the difference between good and bad pain. And I got to spank another man’s wife. In the long run I think they wanted to swing with my friend and I. What a pity I didn’t catch on to that! But what we did was secure both his wife and my friend together in stocks, bent over. He motioned to me to spank his wife, and the look in his eyes was the sincerest look of “we are all here for a good time.” Then I did it, and that was the beginning.

That sounds super hot! And I love that your first experience of this was in an informed setting. Exposure to the kink community can really aid in owning that part of yourself. So in what ways do you find this identification helpful? Unhelpful?

I actually prefer being identified as unhindered,” primarily because being unhindered is the reason I am a sexual outsider. Unhindered by social norms and expectations, that is.

That makes perfect sense. It’s about living outside the box. And that can be so hard, especially when socialization is a primary vehicle for learning about our options, yet it is far from all-inclusive. What advice might you give your young self in regards to sexuality?

I would tell myself to take the chance and chase the women I wish I did all those years ago. I had one minor (some think major) kink in high school, that I still greatly enjoy to this day, but back then it scared me to death. I have a foot fetish. High school was the first time I saw a large variety of girls wearing open-toed footwear, and the feelings it gave me were odd and confusing. I thought that girls would think I’m too weird and avoid me; that I would be judged harshly and cast out of my normal circle of friends. In hindsight that was ignorant thinking on my part. Girls dig weird guys, plus it would have set me apart from all the other hormone-enraged boys. It would have showed that I enjoy more parts of woman over the normal M.O. of tits and ass. My thoughts currently, which I wish I had then, are if you can take care of a woman’s feet, you can take care of the woman.

Well there’s my new catch phrase! So then what resources do you recommend to others wanting to explore their outside-the-box sexuality?

Actually, Facebook is a wonderful source to find kinky things. There are many burlesque shows, fetish-related events, and other sex-related events that advertise there. However, being that it’s Facebook, it can be somewhat easy for others to see what you are up to, which could be good or bad. But in general, the internet is your best friend to discover or practice kinky things. But it’s important to know what you’re in for. I was lucky to have friends who already knew how to safely go about things, so I had steps to follow in. I say start with a definite known kink, follow it and see where it leads. For me, going to Fetish Ball did that. It opened the flood gates of sexuality, pleasure and all around fun.

At what forms of kink are you proficient?

Short: Bondage, sadism (but it varies from person to person), dominance, foot play, group sex, role play, erotic massages, knife play (but no blood or actual cutting), body painting, pornography, swinging.

My favorite form of kink is something I think I came up with, because I haven’t seen it anywhere else, (but I could be wrong since I do not keep up with popular culture). It’s something I call being a Gentleman Deviant. You can attest to this, since you met me at a vintage event. I love to dress up in a suit, tie, tuxedo- all vintage only- comb my hair, shine my shoes, be as well-groomed as a man can be…and then play the devil. I will wine and dine, be sophisticated, charming, funny, a perfect gentleman, but deep inside a fire burns. I may not always act on it, but I do my best to put the feeling into any woman that I am with that I am the devil. Women can’t see it, but they can sense it. Actually, a lot of the kink I like to do is done with me all done up. It’s sophisticated torture, and it’s simply delicious. I know I’m successful when a woman, whether or not I’ve known her sexually, refers to me by the end of the night as The Devil.

Wow! You take the term “decophile” [a word that lovers of Art Deco like to use for themselves] to a whole new level! I’ve seen you out several times, and never knew the depths to which your sauciness goes. How devious! So do you know what needs your kink meets for you? Is the word “Devil” a religious reference for you?

Honestly, I am still figuring it out. For me sex is never black and white; pleasure is never black and white. I understand why I do certain things from purely a physical standpoint, but the emotional satisfaction of others is still somewhat of a mystery. I do it because I love it, and it makes me feel whole, but why? Who knows? It’s a great mystery that I intend to study for years to come.

And not being a religious person myself, it is not a religious reference. I love the mysticism behind the idea of a devil, and I try to embrace it. The Devil has both bad and good points behind him, it just depends from whose point of view he is seen.

Do you have any cool tips on your type of kink?

Just be cool and confident with it, and of course start small. Rome wasn’t built in a day, so don’t try to build the Coliseum on the first try. YouTube actually has helped me quite a bit on several of my kinks. I care more about her pleasure than my own, so researching and learning helps me do my job better.

Do you have any fun names for things you do?

I like to call it the Devil’s Work.

I love that! It really reclaims the “naughty” aspect of kink. Are there things you haven’t tried yet that you might like to get into?

I’m honestly not sure, I am some what closed minded towards being a submissive, but who knows, maybe one day. I think, with more exploration, fetish clubs and events, I can find something.

That’s fairly common, especially when you prefer to focus on the other person’s pleasure. Do you have a sense of what might be blocking you there?

It’s hard to say really. I’ve spent the majority of my life not in control of my own life, so that the thought of surrendering myself to someone is just alien. It could also be a trust issue, I guess. I’ve never opened myself up to trust my life in someone else’s hands.

I know that a lot of people can relate to that. It is incredibly vulnerable to be sure. From where do you draw strength and support for doing what you do?

My significant other, though not as open as I, is the one who truly set me free. Through her I have indulged almost all of my sickest of fantasies, and created a thousand more. She is my sexual muse. Maybe one day I can tell that story.

Well of course I’d love to hear more from you! And a sexual muse? What a poetic experience of sexuality. Your willingness to open up about your sexuality is so appreciated. And I do believe that fingers are now officially crossed to see you dressed up as the devil himself for Halloween.

Leandra Vane, the Unlaced Librarian

Leandra Vane is a sexuality blogger and erotica author. She was born with a physical disability and works professionally with people who have developmental disabilities. With a background as a librarian and a bachelor’s in literature, her real love is reviewing and recommending books about sexuality and body identity. She’s a sucker for knowledge, emotional intelligence, and self-actualization. In other words, she’s a total badass.


Why do you consider yourself a sexual outsider, and what was your process for deciding to identify that way?

I was born with Lipomyelomeningocele and though most of the effects are invisible – I can’t feel about half my body, I have kidney/bladder problems, nerve pain – there are a couple visible signifiers in that I walk with leg braces (that I usually keep covered) and have an uneven gait due to a shallow left hip. Even so, by the time I reached college I was completely independent. I lived on my own, commuted to college (and college parties) and usually had two jobs at a time. I am now married, have a full time job, run our household unassisted, etc. Despite my independence and comparatively mild visibility, both men and women asexualize me because of my disability. I have had men tell me that though they would like to date me (or have sex with me) they wouldn’t want anyone to know they were interested in “the disabled girl.” I actually dated one man in private for several months because of this. In college, most of my friends referred to me as “one of the guys” or “just like a sister.” One time a waiter hit on me instead one of the girls in my group and, well, she got pissed off. It came back around to me that she couldn’t believe a guy would pick a disabled girl over a normal one.

The scales were finally tipped when at 19 I went to the doctor to get birth control. I was not sexually active but I planned to be and wanted to be on the pill along with using condoms (which had to be polyurethane as I am allergic to latex). The doctor checked me out and during my examination she told me that because of my body my cervix was low and sex would probably be painful for me. She then told me that sex would probably be painful for the man having sex with me, too. I somehow managed to keep it together but when I got home I ripped up the prescription and cried for a very long time. I went through a period of a few months where I literally felt like I was outside of my body. I felt like my entire identity had been taken away from me. In my mind, a doctor had just told me I couldn’t have sex.  I was a virgin at the time, so I didn’t know whether she was actually correct, but I didn’t see any reason to get a second opinion. I was very upset. So few, if any, people acknowledged my femininity, let alone my sexuality, and on top of that I had some monster vagina that would cause my partners and myself pain. It was then I decided I must be asexual.

This was ridiculous, and a part of me knew it. Ever since the hormones kicked in around age 12 I have always been a very sexual person. I found out around this age that I had orgasms just from thinking sexy thoughts and as an adult I very much so enjoy my ability to “think myself off.” I love flirting, I love being sexual, and I always related to people who considered themselves sexual outsiders, people who identified as GLBT and other gender benders like cross dressers. I’ve always read mountains of erotica and navigated my own body to give it maximum pleasure despite the numbness and parts that had limited function. This included kink and fetishes though at the time I was an independent practitioner, using fantasy alone. Yet I went for about a year deciding that I must be asexual. Eventually my sex drive won and I realized that typical sexuality was not going to work out for me. I needed to embrace my kinky side, and I needed to find a partner that was willing to go against the crowd. I met my husband a couple years later and my vagina did not rip off his penis. I ended up going to a specialist and he verified that, yes, my cervix does sit low but this shouldn’t have any real bearing over sexual intercourse, I just might not enjoy certain positions that facilitate deep penetration. No monster vagina for me. However, I do admit that sensation play and spanking are much more erotic for me and I need these things in order to reach orgasm. Rarely do I orgasm from penetration alone (which, um, is not exactly a rare problem from what I’ve researched).

But my identification as a sexual outsider has more to do with sociology than biology. I love being feminine but I feel few people outside the kink community are able to see past my disability to see my femininity. In kink circles and with people who identify as being sexual minorities there is more freedom to be sexual in a way my body needs to be and there is not as much shame. Since then I have explored my sexuality in ways I would not have otherwise. My husband and I have successfully negotiated an open relationship and I have recently begun to appreciate feminine sexuality and have had female play partners. Since my body and my marriage both fall outside the realm of the typical heterosexual monogamous template, I do consider myself a sexual minority.

That is such an incredible journey. I can’t believe that doctor! I’m thrilled that you were able to reclaim your sexual self and find your subculture. In what ways do you find this identification helpful? Unhelpful?

It is helpful in that I have a better relationship with my body and I can finally be who I am instead of what everyone else wants me to be or says I should be. I find it unhelpful in that sometimes labels can go against you. For example, I feel more comfortable in GLBT circles but since I am married to a man and act traditionally feminine, I am not always “welcome.” Sometimes I feel people are in a competition to see who can be the most “hardcore” in kink and people hide behind these labels just as people in the mainstream hide behind the façade of polite society. I have found a few people in kink who are genuine and that is fantastic. But judgment, shame, and competition exist just as strongly in the kink world as in the mainstream.

What advice would you give your young self in regards to sexuality?

Don’t listen to other people! I made myself miserable for so long trying to be what others wanted me to. My family always wanted me to be the nice naïve, inspirational girl I was in elementary school and I know I have disappointed some of them coming out as a sex blogger (though admittedly most of my family still doesn’t know). I also fell into a spiral of self-loathing that I couldn’t be feminine the “right” way. I didn’t want to be androgynous, I didn’t want to be one of the guys. I wanted to be feminine. I had to finally learn that I’m not hurting anyone by wearing a skirt and if other people don’t approve it really isn’t my problem. Also, I am really happy that I confronted my insecurities with things like porn and jealousy at a relatively early age and my husband and I share such an open relationship. I know an overwhelmingly high number of couples who have had their marriages ruined by porn or emotional/physical infidelity at 30, 40, 50. So I do give myself some credit for exploring my sexuality in a healthy way in my 20’s. And I’m only 26, so I have a ton of time left to enjoy that security.

 
That is no small feat! So what resources do you recommend to others wanting to explore their outside-the-box sexuality?

Sexuality blogs and podcasts are great (Sex Out Loud with Tristan Toarmino and Psychology in Seattle are two of my favorites) but nothing beats a good book to carry with you and give you a safe space to explore. My two favorite publishers are Cleis Press and Greenery Press.

Your book reviews are pretty stellar. And I’m very envious of your library! You seem to know a great deal about kink. At what forms of kink would you say you are proficient?

I love spanking so I am fairly proficient at turning most household implements into disciplinary objects, however they are all used on me. I have experimented with needles, electric wands and rope, though I am always the bottom and the tops are more knowledgeable and efficient at applying these things than I am. I tend to be more interested in relationship dynamics and sociology than participating in scenes as a top.

I think the most misunderstood part of this world is the underlying motivations for one’s sexual desires. Do you know what needs your kink meets for you?

Physical pleasure. I am not drawn to power exchange and though I understand the desire in others I truly do not “get it.” I don’t have a need to submit or dominate. Because I can’t feel half my body, I have erotic zones in really weird places (the crook of my elbow, for example, can give me an orgasm if bit and sucked when I am aroused). Spanking also just feels really, really good. So I really enjoy exploring sensation play so I can have orgasms or feel sexual pleasure. My body is also in pain quite a lot so placing a manageable amount of pain on another body part will alleviate nerve pain. Perhaps it has something to do with interrupting the communication of my nervous system input/output. Whatever it is, I like it.

That is really cool! It sounds like an article on pain as an interruption for pain may be necessary for our readers! Do you have any cool tips on your type of kink?

Not tips, but since I can “think myself off” I do encourage people to use fantasy and masturbate to learn more about what they really desire. I wish masturbation and fantasy were not seen a “less than” partnered sex because I have learned a lot about myself this way.

Besides “thinking yourself off,” which is totally awesome, do you have any fun names for things you do?

I can’t really think of any names, but as a quirk I do think that Jalapeño Cheetos are THE BEST sub-space munchies. At events my friends get me a bag so I can be blissful and ride the high for a little longer. I get buzzy after a long scene of sensation play. Even though I’m not submitting in the actual sense, I call it subspace anyway.

That’s delightful, and I definitely want a bag now. Are there things you haven’t tried yet that you might like to get into?

I am interested in more hardcore bondage but with my lack of sensation I need to find someone I really trust. I am also interested in experimenting with age play as it is something I never thought I would do but age players make it look so fun I want to try at a kink event.

There can be so many conflicting or just plain negative messages about sexual outsiderdom. From where do you draw strength and support for doing what you do?

I have few friends in real life that are kinky and I can be my genuine self around. I am slowly “coming out” to friends and family because I don’t want my erotica writing kinky sex blogging life to be a secret forever. But since I live in a very conservative small town I worry about my employment security and random harassment that comes with the territory. So I must admit I get most of my empowerment from books. Books on sexuality, kink, porn, disability, open relationships, fat studies, body identity, beliefs, psychology, sociology, emotions, GLBT studies, etc. They are my sanctuary when I feel alone among people I live and work with. People I have never met who are willing to have the conversations no one else in my life had been willing to have with me. As for support, my husband is number one. We talk and experience things together (including sex with others) and we never stop growing. He supports me and we can be real around each other. Sounds cheesetastic but I never thought I would be connected to another human the way I am with him. We charge each other’s batteries.

Is there anything about which you’d really like to spread awareness?

I spoke a lot about my body in the above but my real passion in sex blogging and education is teaching good relationship skills and self-awareness. Jealousy, lack of empathy, adhering to social mores, and poor communication lead to really miserable relationships. People label porn, nonmonogamy, and kinks as immoral and blame them for deterioration of relationships. I believe that being manipulative, neglectful, and lying to your partner are much worse. Yet because many aspects of sexuality are deemed evil or unhealthy, people will continue to lie about them, to themselves and their partners. Not everyone in the world needs to be a polyamorous bisexual Dom but we do need to nurture authenticity in relationships. That means knowing what you need sexually and practicing emotional awareness so you can be confident being safe and nurturing to your partner/s in relationships. Jealousy, porn, temptation, etc is not an almighty force that controls you and your body. You control how you treat others. I wish more people would take responsibility for their lives instead of blaming sex and society. Sorry, I’ll get off my soapbox now ;)

Your personal story and the work that you do is very moving. I think I can safely say that we all hope you’ll stay on that soapbox!

Leandra is currently working on a sexuality memoir entitled “Trophy Wife: Sexuality. Disability. Femininity, scheduled for release in 2015. Follow @Leandra_Vane on Twitter, and check out her fantastic blog, The Unlaced Librarian.